RECIPE REALITY STATS

As every family cook knows, there are myriads of tantalizing recipes available on the internet these days. I mean, seriously, you can throw "stewed turnips" on Google and you'll hit about 388,000 recipes in 0.58 seconds.  Granted, some of those hits are nasty, stomach-turning pictures of stewed turnips, but there are plenty of recipes too.  
Each of us has our favorite recipe sites and whether it's Mel's Kitchen Cafe (my personal favorite), Budget Byte$ , The Pioneer Woman (personally never got on that bandwagon) or Food Network, there is generally an emphasis on quick meal preparation time in an effort to help ease the burdens of all us time-starved culinarians.
Most sites list the recipe stats as follows:
Prep time, Cook time, Total time, number of servings & level of difficulty.  
I always get excited when I see these numbers.  Especially after a long, tiring day at work when I don't want to spend the entire evening slaving away in the kitchen only to unveil my masterpiece and have the kids turn their noses up and opt for a nice bowl of cereal instead.  
But the excitement never lasts long because I quickly remember that the timing and ease of recipes at my house are far different than what is optimistically displayed on recipe websites.
Here I provide an example to illustrate the difference between typical website recipe stats and recipe reality stats when prepared at my house:

Typical Website Recipe stats:

Prep time - 20 minutes
Cook time - 25 minutes
Total time - 45 minutes
Number of servings - 4
Level - Easy


Recipe Reality stats:

Prep time:
- Empty and load the dishwasher because the sink is full of dishes that were supposed to have already been taken care of by children: 10 minutes
- Futilely search for missing ingredients that you are sure are there but can't seem to find even though you have searched through every cabinet and pantry numerous times: 20 minutes
- Take one last look, once again moving aside multiple bottles of cinnamon and chili powder: 2 minutes 
- Growl in frustration: 5 minutes
- Pour first glass of wine and take a sip: 1 minute
- Debate with self whether or not to just give up and fix Craft macaroni & cheese: 5 minutes
- Take second, much longer, sip of wine: 30 seconds
- Rally and perform internet search for possible substitutions of missing ingredients: 5 minutes
- Realize that a few of the substitutions are also not on hand: 30 seconds
- Perform a second tiered search for substitutions for the substitutions that are not on hand: 5 minutes
- Pause and contemplate how many substitutional degrees one can go from the original ingredients without completely ruining the recipe:  1 full minute
- Glance at the clock, once again reconsider macaroni & cheese and then realize that 55 minutes have already been invested into this 20 minute prep time that cannot be for naught: 5 seconds 
- Wipe away tears of frustration over the rapidly fading evening: 1 minute
- Look for needed cookware in it's predesignated spot and find only a cutting board and the cover of a food processor: 1 minute
- Take several gulps of wine and refill glass: 1 minute
- Go mining for the needed cookware, blindly groping in the farthest and darkest recesses of cabinets: 2 minutes
- Realize that any hope of finding the needed cookware will require the use of flashlight: 30 seconds
- Take another sip of wine, savor it in mouth for a few seconds and then down it goes: 30 seconds
- Sigh thankfully for cell phones and activate cell phone flashlight: 30 seconds
-  Once again delve into the dark cabinets, moving aside various seldom used glassware, pots, pans & strainers only to finally find the needed 14-inch skillet, hidden behind a 1970's model casserole dish and a slightly melted plastic colander in the most remote corner of the bottom cabinet: 5 minutes
- Finish second glass of wine: 1 minute
- Once again glance at the clock, realizing that The Big Bang Theory has long been over and Life in Pieces is half way through the plot line: 30 seconds
- Long sigh of resignation: 5 seconds
- Pull chair close to stove and begin cooking: 30 seconds
- Rinse wine glass, place in sink and begin to drink directly from wine bottle: 20 seconds

Cook time: 25 minutes (Hey!  that matches up to the website recipe stats!)

So, if you're keeping track, here are the Recipe Reality stats:

Prep time - 69 minutes
Cook time - 25 minutes
Total time - 114 minutes
Number of servings - 8 (because you doubled the recipe so you would be sure to have enough for everyone even though half of your family won't even touch what you have made)
Level - Physically easy.  Mentally excruciating.

Now... time for cleanup prior to dropping into bed.

TIPS FOR FATHERS OF TEENAGE DAUGHTERS: TIP #4

Tip# 4: Learn to understand Teen Daughter English. 

You may not realize it, but as your daughter is moving through her childhood, she is developing her own language.  During pre-adolescence, she will continue to perfect this language and by the time she has reached her adolescence, she will be nearly fluent in Teen Daughter English (TDE) and will be able to slip back and forth between it and your own common American Father English (AFE).

Although TDE has many different dialects, below I have translated a few basic phrases to aid you in future interactions with your daughter:

When she says, "I'm going to clean my room."  
She means, "In an hour or so, I'm going to be asking you for something that will require your time, your money or both." 

When she says, "I cleaned my room."
She means, "I shoved everything under the bed and into the closet as quickly as I could." (so that I can ask you for the above mentioned something).

When she asks, "Do you have any money?"
She's really saying, "Give me whatever money you have." (so I can have the above mentioned something).

When she says, "I love you."
She means, "I really do love you." (and I've chosen this specific moment to express my love in words because I want the above mentioned something).

When she says, "I'm hungry."

She means, "Go get me some McDonald's."

(or Wendy's)

(or Taco Bell)

(or Chipotle)

(etc.)

 Also, please be aware that somewhere between the ages of 11- 14, your daughter will begin ending sentences with "uh". For example, "Daduh! You're ruining my lifeuh!" When this happens, and it WILL happen, don't try to reason with her; Instead, I recommend that you exercise one of the following two options:

The first option is to respond in kind by saying something like, "Oh, I'm soooo sorryuh! How could I let you downuh!" This is my typical response and can serve you well to silence said daughter. At the very least, she will grow tired of it and exit your presence with a final LOUD sigh of exasperation. 

The second option is to slowly back away and exit the room as quickly as possible.

Although it's difficult to know which option should be applied in a specific situation, it will help if you are able to get a glimpse into her eyes. If you see even a spark of female fury, I strongly recommend the second option. 

Oh, and one more thing, if you're doing something that she used to think was cute or funny, like singing a song or chasing her around and tickling her, she may say, "STOPUHHHH!" If this word issues forth from her lips at a greater than normal volume, for the love of all that it's holy and altruistic, cease the activity immediately and proceed with the second option. Trust me on this one. If you don't, you may end up in trouble with everyone, INCLUDING mom and you know that you don't want to be in that doghouse.

TIPS FOR FATHERS OF TEENAGE DAUGHTERS: TIP #3

Tip#3: If you have teenage daughters forget everything you know about bathroom etiquette because, quite frankly, everything you know is wrong. 

 Traditional bathroom etiquette dictates that upon finding a bathroom door closed, particularly if a light can be seen emitting out from below the door, one should knock to find out if the bathroom is already occupied; However, if you have teenage daughters and one of them is in the bathroom, this act is seen as a serious encroachment of her lavatory rights. If, at any time, you walk up to the closed door of a bathroom occupied by one of your teenage daughters and knock, you will be notified quite loudly and abrasively, "DADuh! I'M IN HERE!". The content of this response would actually be quite reasonable if it weren't issued forth in the high pitched wail of a banshee on a quest to devour your soul. If you have a momentary lapse in judgement and find yourself in this situation, it's best just to slowly back away from the door and find a hidden corner where you can wait it out until it feels safe to seek adequate amenities in another part of the house. 

 Conversely, if you are doing your business (#1, #2 or a combination thereof) with the door closed and your teenage daughter "needs" something from the bathroom, the above mentioned bathroom etiquette will be completely eclipsed by this "need."  Therefore, she will disregard knocking and will enter the room swiftly and with purpose. She may or may not register your presence.  If she does, she will likely utter a half hearted "Sorry," but please realize that this is just a formality and will not impede the retrieval of the hair straightener, eye shadow, body spray, eyelash curler, etc. that she so desperately needs right that instant. Please note that locking the door can be somewhat effective as a deterrent but will not necessarily prevent the daughter from gaining access as the level of urgency will most likely warrant obtaining a paper clip or some similar item with which the locking mechanism can be disabled. If your teenage daughter does enter a bathroom that you are already utilizing, it would be pointless to utter objections. It is, however, acceptable to utter a deep sigh and mutter some contrary words under your breath regarding not even being able to go to the bathroom in peace in your own home.